BY Sara Martinez (@Saritology)
By now you’ve either seen the debut episodes of MTV’s newest reality based series Washington Heights, heard about it on your Facebook Newsfeed, or watched your friends argue about it on Twitter. People have their opinions, it wouldn’t be Uptown, wouldn’t be New York City, if they didn’t. But I’m not here to talk about my opinion of the shows portrayal of my favorite chicken spot, and how that relates to the Dominican diaspora. I’d much rather discuss the show as the television connoisseur that I am.
Here’s a little background on me: my friends know not to call me at certain times during the evening, lest they interrupt my stories. I say “I don’t watch reality TV,” but that’s a lie. If Ice T and Coco break up, I’ll be devastated. Devastated. When they had their argument on Twitter, I had to refrain from tweeting them “Mom! Dad! Please stop fighting!” I’ve patiently waited for the return of Arrested Development; my Netflix account recommends televisions shows, not movies. I jog at the gym because I can watch television on my smartphone. My Facebook threads of The Walking Dead are much anticipated. I preface my comments with “spoiler alert,” because that’s just proper etiquette. I sit on a balance ball when I watch television at home, because then I can call it exercising. I may have a problem. I don’t care.
Now, that we have that out of the way, on with the show! MTV gave us a heavy dosage for the Washington Heights premier: two episodes for the price of one. The beginning of the first episode we have JP, or Audubon if you’re nasty, give a brief introduction of his friends. They seem like my friends, except at their age all my friends were in college, or had jobs, or both. How are these kids funding the alcohol that added fuel to the Facebook message ignited flames?
Oh yes, it wouldn’t be a reality show if there wasn’t a girl fight in the first 20 minutes. I like how Reyna, the blond with attitude, who is also one of JP’s best friend’s, accurately, expressed the calming-the-drunk-person-down-gets-them-riled-up conundrum. Seems like she was flirting with Jimmy, JP’s other best friend, on Facebook. And why not? Besides his crazy teeth, he seems to be built right, what with the baseball playing, and training to be in a farm league. We also see he’s sensitive when he went to visit his dad, who’s completing a bid upstate, I can see why she’d want to hit that. But when Jimmy’s suburban girlfriend, Eliza, saw the messages, you know what she did. She did what your friend’s do… she sent Reyna a message, complete with ‘next time I see you I’m going to greet you with my fist.’ Or something like that.
It all comes to a head at JP’s show at Apt. 78, where everyone is having a good time, until the infamous Apt. 78 sangria gives Reyna the bright idea of talking to Eliza. Why? Why would she think it’s a good idea to talk to someone about a problem when you’re supposed to be showing support for your boy? Had she been a real friend she would have kept her distance, and been polite. Eventually the beef would’ve been squashed. They would probably never have been friends. Let’s be real, if you were Eliza, you would never have trusted Reyna around your boo. Either way, a slapfest ensues: Reyna hits first, but quickly gets bodied by Eliza onto the sidewalk, and ends up laid out on her back. I bet she had scabs on her knees after that. Jimmy is held back by his friends from getting involved, while his other friends try to break it up the girl fight. So of course Jimmy gets cray, and wants to beat up his friends, but that’s just the adrenaline talking. I don’t think he really wants to hit them.
Frankie, the poet, has a crush on Ludwin, the artist who is dating the Dominican Daria, (I can’t take credit for that description, I saw it on Twitter,) who I’m pretty sure hates him… and everyone else for that matter. Why you so angry Dominican Daria? You’re young, beautiful, and now you’re on TV, relax. Or use that melancholy to your advantage like Kristen Stewart. Ludwin gets his GED, that’s cool, but he calls Frankie before D.D.? OK. This is the love triangle. Get invested in this, because it will lead to a lot of drama for Ludwin. Which we like, right? We like drama, that’s why we watch these shows.
JP, aka Audubon, has a show at Apt. 78 that went well until the fight. His mom was there, she looked so proud, she was misty eyed, she speaks English? What the what? I thought this was Washington Heights, I didn’t think mom’s spoke English here. I kid, I kid! My mother speaks English, so does my father, I swear. JP’s mom is pretty awesome. Then he has a show at Phuket (which isn’t pronounced “fuk it” but is pronounced “foo quet”, I know, I hate it too and prefer the former.) It was a good show, everyone looked good. I would have liked to see more of the crowd. You know there were some hot women with spandex dresses putting professional, cement injecting, booty girls to shame, but still, you get a little flash when they’re standing outside waiting to get in.
We see them chillin’ on the rooftops, with a lot of patio furniture. Where’d they get that furniture from? We’ll never know. But did anyone else want to yell “liar!” at the top of their lungs when you saw them up there? What Washington Heights super lets people hang out on the roof? I was at my friend’s apartment, I went to the hall to smoke a cigarette, I opened the window on the roof’s landing and set off a series of alarms. A window! Imaginate a roof door! I can picture the cops busting down the door, handcuffing me to the mysterious patio furniture, while searching my belongings. I also watch Cops.
So here are a few questions that these first two episodes brought up: how are they supporting themselves? I know poetry isn’t paying for those nails and brunch dates boo-boo. And who does your hair? I like! How are you getting all this pizza and wings JP? Those gigs don’t pay yet. Who is Taylor, and can we confirm that her bedroom is that huge? That bedroom is like the size of my best friend’s Upper West Side apartment! And why you fronting like Van Cortlandt Park is part of Washington Heights? That’s the Bronx, let’s give the Bronx some love. And where can I find all that music that was in the show?
What’s going to happen next week? Will the Dominican Daria smile? Will Frankie reveal how she’s affording her brunch addiction? Will Eliza and Jimmy sit across from each other at restaurants and stop creeping me out? Will we see more of Rico, Fred and Taylor? Guess we’ll have to tune in.